These are the words a client of mine shared about her rape. She agreed that I could share it with you.
Before I was violated, life comprised of work, home, family and other interests. I was impenetrable and unbreakable, young, in love and working at a job I was really into...until that one moment which stole everything from me and robbed me of a life I no longer dream of.
1. I wish I didn't know who he was, because it makes being around the people that I do know so hard!
2. I wish I could be normal again. Being who I used to be is one of the most difficult things to get back. I can't be the regular me with people anymore.
3. For a really long time it was easy to pretend that it never happened. I knew it did, I was there, it happened to me but somehow pretending it didn't and blocking it from the present was easiest because it allowed me to cope with the here and now.
4. I wish I didn't remember... But the details play themselves over and over in my minds' eye, and I can't stop the flashes nor can I stop feeling the emotions that come with it and I see myself back in that dark place, time and time again. And I wish I didn't!
5. I wish I didn't have sleepless nights and I wasn't consumed by thoughts of it happening again. I wish I could just close my eyes and drift off into the night. But I can't because the sounds of the night keep me awake with thoughts of what ifs...
6. Where did I go wrong, how did I become this person I don't even recognize, this person I don't even like. I don't even trust myself to make decisions that are best for me, because my track record is not at all impressive.
7. I wish I didn't feel so broken and helpless and so so damaged. I wish I wasn't traumatized in the way I was and that fear and anxiety didn't rule my life. But it does...and I'm struggling to keep my head above water so I can breathe; when breathing is so hard...
8. I wish I didn't shake so much when thoughts overwhelmed me. I wish my stomach wasn't a pool of mush when I felt pain or insecure. I wish I could stop dying inside each time I hear his name, smelt the cologne he was wearing or even thought I glimpsed him.
9. I wish I didn't panic each time someone accidentally bumped into me, or passed too close to me or even tried to get my attention for some unknown reason.
10. I wish I could send my windows down and enjoy a sunny or windy day or just some fresh air breezing through the car, but I'm too scared to even do that...because he might see me, and I can't be seen...not by him, not by someone who knows him, not by anyone...
11. I wish I was stronger and bigger than he was and that I'd fought back harder, I wish he'd failed in his attempt to hurt me, but I really wish that I'd won...
12. I wish I wasn't so emotionally weak and fearful of intimate situations! I wish I had the courage to let someone in...even for a second just to see what it felt like...but how can I trust them to not hurt me when I can't trust myself to not do the same?
13. I wish for just one moment I could laugh with careless abandon and throw caution to the wind, but then the one moment I thought I didn't need to be cautious catches up with me, and I realize how much one moment can change everything... I wish I wasn't stuck in that one moment!